Ich werde mein Blog auch wenn ich aus Deutschland komme auf Englisch schreiben ;).
Wenn hier Leute aus Kölle kommen, dann schreibt mal.
Liebe Grüße, Katha

songs for today

Nine inch nails - Hurt

Nine inch nails - something I can never have

Böhse Onkelz - Erinnerung

without any words, I just love the songs!!!

Love not for me

Where to begin.

I'm a freedom-loving woman that means I need a lot of time for my own and often there wasn't time for longterm relationships.
I loved being single and to live how I wanna live without regarding "feelings of a boyfriend".
But there comes a time when all that doesnt matter at all and you just wish somebody's lying next to you when you awake.
(yeah now a BUT) I'm choosy and I've got the feeling there is no matching man for me in Cologne EXCEPT one person I've fucking fallen in love with.
Me fallen in love is like a miracle. Wait a minute, there is beautiful music coming from our neighbor, hope everything is ok because she told me that she may split with her husband, I'm a bit scared of it cause thery're such a great family!!
Well back to me.
So I've fallen in love with that hot surfer dude who is 11 years older than me. He has a great personality and a hot look and his parents live 2 houses next to ours, so I sometimes see him but the whole January I'vent seen him which makes me feel down too.
He lives a few km away in another area. Well when we see each other, we talk and make fun BUT when I see him, I'm a different person because I'm so shy then.
But he would be perfect and I have the feeling that we gonna make it. We know each other since 21 years and I often thought that he is hot, great but I have never thought of yeah he would be THAT someone for a relationship. But with 21 I realize that he's the perfect man!! That drives me crazy.


Hey, dunno if someone will read it. I just started a blog because I want to write my thoughts and feelings down. I wanna do it in English because I also write in my diary in English, perhaps I'm scared that somebody could read it although everyone in my life is speaking English I dunno.
Cos my mother tongue ain't English there could be some missunderstandings but suck it.

Well, it's mid January right now and my exams started. Yesterday I had my first exam and it worked great. It does me good to see how it worked.

Hmm ok. Right now I'm feeling great, I'm looking forward and my mood is getting better and better.
The first days of our new year were terribly. I cried the whole day. I was feeling so alone even though my friends called me but I just felt alone I didnt want to communicate or to speak to them either. I was so scared and I havent understood why life was doing it to me. I thought 2010 will be great because 2009 sucked. And I was so dissapointed of everything, but I really havent known why.
Then I began to think about everything and anything.
Then I realized that I had a completely panic of giving a presentation at University. I really had a huge panic. I got absorted with it and I surfed through the web searching for help or information what I could do to fight my panic and everything I've read was like "You have to surrender (?) your anxiety." "Practice makes perfect." "When you prepare your presentation well you dont have to matter"...it really helped me to read that Im not the only person having huge problems and anxiety of those stuff. Well yeah I know that Im probably not the only person having those problems but when youre in a situation like that youre just feeling all alone by yourself.
I met a good friend who has exames nerves and who is having a therapy because of that. It helped me so much to talk to a friend who has similar problems.
I also read about "Beta blocker" which slows down your heartbeat and the affect is that you will not shiver, stutter and you're totally relaxed.
So I called my doc one week before my presentation to get a talk. The medical secretary told me that I just can get a appointment on Monday...I beg for an earlier appointment because I had such an huge psychological strain. She said alright friday 11.30am. I was so eased after my call, because I felt like getting helped in my hopeless situation. Ok, Friday was my appointment and at THAT friday my presentation should take place (3pm) .
While I was talking to my friend with exames nerves I got a call from my mom. "Katha you should call the doc's practice because they cancelled your appointment."
Man, tears run through my eyes, I felt like donno to describe - I felt like I was dying because my last HOPE seemed to run away...I immediately called them back and asked why they have cancelled my appointment - they told me that the doc was ill....I asked if I couldnt come to the other doc (they have 3 docs in that practice) and she told me just for disstress. And I fucking told her in a way I would normally never talk to her that I have a fucking psychological strain and I need to talk to a doc tomorrow!!! OK, I should come at 12:40 pm. I couldnt sleep the night before, I was so nervous and I felt shitty and stuff like that.
When I sat in the waiting room tears run down my cheek cause time run ... 12:50, 1:00, 1:20 ... and maybe you can imagine how worse it is to wait in such cases. By the way I had to drive to University at 2pm and I was scared not to make it, you know.
At 1:25 he called me and I walked into his room and I begun to cry. He talked to me, asked me a lot of stuff how it comes that I have such an anxiety and if I could imagine a situation that caused it? And what I want to do now. I told him that I want to do the presentation and that I want to do a therapy. He told me that it would be the best and he want to help me for TODAY. He told me that he could give me "Beta blocker" for today and that I should do a therapy.
Well, he was my SAVIOR!! for real, he fucking was my SAVIOR in last second.
He looked after my blood pressure and then he gave me a referral for a psychotherpist.
Well, I took a pill and I felt so relaxed after a few minutes.
I was driving to University while I was feeling great and wasn't scared because I didn't shiver or anything I would normally do.
I gave the presentation and I felt so certain which pushed me to the best. Everyone liked my presentation and my proffesor loved it too.
Man, I felt so relaxed and was so fucking happy I had kissed the world!! Well pills arent the solution I just took them once and now Im looking for a therapy that I can get my problem under control!!